It took me nearly a whole chapter of reading and studying to finally get to something that really made me stop and pause.
“And there was nothing save it were the power of God, which threatened them with destruction, could soften their hearts.” -1 Nephi 18:20
What is my heart like? Is my heart capable of pumping and keeping me alive spiritually? Is my heart hard and stiff and ready to give up at any moment? Physically I am struggling to control blood pressure and my heart can hardly keep when a walk any distance or climb stairs at work. Could this be an indication of where my heart is spiritually, ready to give up at any stressful experience?
Is my heart so hard that I refuse to hear or to listen to the pleadings of those who are around me?
Do I approach the Lord with a broken heart, ready for the healing power of the Savior to do it’s work?
I guess it depends on the moment. There are times when I am not quick to forgive, when I hang on to a grudge, a pain, a disappointment, just a little too long. There are times I don’t keep my covenants to the fullest. There are times my faith is weak and even fails.
Pondering this I know I am not to the point of “nothing save the power of God” is my only option. But it still gives me pause and a healthy dose of perspective as to how my spiritual heart is doing. This morning was like a little spiritual physical, a spiritual blood pressure check. There are some things to work on. I need to work on an ever softening heart through prayer, service, kindness, thoughtfulness, listening and repenting. I want to be a witness of God’s power to deliver me, not a witness of God’s power to destroy me.
I am thankful for a job… even if I am exhausted.
I am thankful I got my craft thing more organized before I came home.
I am thankful that people are donating some awesome scraps and yarn and things for my textile crafts class.
I am thankful for time to rest and rest before I head into a long day tomorrow.
I had a disappointing appointment at the doctor’s office today. Weight is going up… even though I am doing my best to eat well and even with my stomach hurting so bad I don’t eat. I’m not sleeping well. My blood pressure is up… even on medication. I am frustrated… and sad. I just want to feel like my efforts are making a difference. But they are not. sigh.