Snap!!! time moves slowly and fast all at once when a person never leaves their house. I lose days. I forget what day I am on and what day I may have blogged… or not. I most definitely feel disconnected.
I can go days without really saying very much. Lilli is in her room, John is working long hours in our office home, and I sit at my computer attempting to create distance learning. Today, for example, I sat through 3 meetings and worked all day and I’m pretty sure I have not said more then 10 minutes worth of vocal words all day. We even end up texting each other across the house because someone is always in a meeting and yelling in the background doesn’t go over too well with a meeting going on. I’m used to talking nearly all day long. I’m even beginning to wonder if I can still sing. LOL.
I feel disconnected in other ways too. Although I talk to my parents nearly ever week, I don’t make connections with my siblings very often. Some of my siblings post on social media and I’d say we might call each other once of twice a year. Okay. That is mostly me. The rest of them do a much better job staying connected. So it occurs to me that I have no idea how anyone is… only what my mom reports during the weekly phone call. Not all of my children communicate with me well either. I have no real idea how they are and what they are up to, and I am realizing that it really doesn’t matter how close they live to me in proximity. I, as a parent, completely failed in teaching them the value of family and checking in with family… okay, not family. They seem to check in with each other fairly well, but they most definitely do not check in with me. I am recognizing more and more flaws in my personality… and today I’ve been contemplating my personality flaw of seeming uninterested. The truth is, I am interested, but I am a watcher. I am not very good at talking to others, but I enjoy watching. I am not a fan of bantering or bartering. I am not a fan of board games because it feels like fighting. I am most comfortable on the side lines. However, this personality trait is perceived as not being interested. Truthfully, I have no idea how to fix that… partly because I don’t think that being a “sideline” person is actually a bad thing. Performers need audience members, right? sports teams need spectators, right? However, this personality trait of mine has created some tension throughout my life. Deep breath. I am grateful for those who like to talk and who like all that personal interaction, but I am also grateful for the “sideline crew”… the audience… I am grateful they enjoy each other.
I am grateful that I successfully finished my school website and video and classroom stuff that was due today… even if I got it in after 8pm.
I am grateful I was able to help a couple student via email today.
I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It is the power by which all things can be healed… even our personality flaws.